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There’s a reason why you’ve been so sober. Why you’ve avoided alcohol so much. It’s the reason why tonight’s been so painful. You stared at yourself in the mirror tonight. You stared and lost all inhibition. Everything you’ve been told, everything you’ve been taught, everything faded away. You stared in the mirror and talked. And your reflection talked back. You finally had an honest to god conversation with yourself.
You’ve avoided this for so long. So very long. You knew. Somewhere inside you knew. You knew that this was coming. You knew that this was inevitable. Everything was fucked up. Everything was a mess. The only reason you looked in the mirror was to shave. You didn’t even do that well. You couldn’t look yourself in the eye and be honest with yourself. That was too much to ask for. That was simply too much to expect.
Cigarettes. Booze. Video games. Books. Movies. Stories. Anything and everything to distract yourself. Even now with a BAC to drop a rhino and your doing this. You have such a hard time be honest.
But you dropped your guard. You hit that sweet spot. You’re here. You’re now. Drunk enough that you don’t give a fuck but sober enough to remember. You finally hit that point where you looked in the mirror. You looked in the mirror and you saw yourself. You looked in the mirror and you finally had an honest conversation with yourself.
You don’t care. About much. About anything. Everything you are, everything you’ve done, everything you’re about, is other people. Other people who don’t care. Other people who just don’t understand you. Other people who just can’t understand you. On one level you understand them, on one level you can read them like a book. That’s what makes it so hard. No matter what, you know why, you know the reasons, you know what makes them tick. But on the other hand, it’s just so hard, because it’s not you.
You stand alone. You stand separate. Everyone else’s motivation and attitudes are not your own. Everything that everyone else does is not what you do. Even those that are reading this. Some will read it and sympathize. Some will read it and think they understand. Some feel they are truly alone. But none or few realize what and who you are.
For your motivations are different. Your motivations are nearly inhuman. You my friend, exist for only one reason. Other people. Everything you have done has been for other people. Every action or inaction has been based around other people. It’s why you smoke. You’re unhappy with you’re life. You’re honest with that fact. Though I think others don’t believe it. You fundamentally, inwardly, hate yourself and what you are.
But other people depend on you. Other people love you. From the love of family to the love of friends you effect other people. You can’t not live, merely because other people would be effected.
That’s the hard part. The singular reason you HAVEN’T killed yourself is because other people would be hurt if you could. You have nothing to live for. Your life is an empty shell devoid of ALL personal meaning, but you haven’t thrown it away because other people might be sad.
Even now. Even now you can’t comprehend hurting other people. Staring at yourself and realizing that you aren’t the same, that you never will be, that you never will be comprehended, you won’t do it. You can’t do it, you can’t comprehend making someone else’s life harder.
So you’ll sober up. You’ll wake up tomorrow morning. You’ll be hung over. And you’ll remember all of this. You’ll use every excuse except the truth to get out of it, but you’re a coward. No matter what pain it brings you, you’ll always put others before yourself.
It’s who you are. It’s what you do.
To those reading this that are worried, yes, this was in fact a conversation with myself. If you’re worried about me killing myself, you missed part of the point. Even now, having barely the ability to walk I can’t do that. It’s not in my nature or ability to kill myself.